Autonomy and the Self:

What is autonomy? We can boil autonomy down to one question: Who has access? And only one person has the right to answer it: You. That means that there are certain things that concern yourself which only you have the right to make decisions about. Knowing what those areas include can be really helpful when making decisions about your boundaries and protecting yourself from people or forces which intend to make those decisions for you.

What is autonomy of the self? Let’s break this down into parts:

I’ve taken some of these categories from Faith Harper’s fantastic book, Unfuck Your Boundaries. Others I’ve formed on my own in my own experiences and conversations with my clients.

Body Autonomy: The right to decide who has access to your body and what is done to or with it. You may have heard of this one before. This comes up with family, with significant others, with doctors, and just about everyone else. Whether deciding how close to stand to someone in the grocery store line or whether to have sex with a partner, your boundaries need to be an important consideration. Inappropriate touching or invasion of personal space is a lot more common in our culture then you may realize. But respect demands consent. And consent means autonomy.

Mental Health Autonomy: The right to decide what is prioritized concerning your mental health, what is helpful and what isn’t, and what is good enough. This comes up a lot in therapy - just because I think something will be relevant or helpful as a therapist doesn’t mean my clients will agree. I do my best to always let them have the final say about what we talk about, what strategies to try, and when to leave something be. They know more about their own experiences and needs and they get to design their mental health supports - I’m just here to provide one.

Physical Health Autonomy: The right to decide what is prioritized concerning your mental health, what is helpful and what isn’t, and what is good enough. This comes up a lot with doctors. It’s natural for healthcare providers to want to diagnose and prescribe what they think will help and lean on their expertise to do so. But you’re the expert of your body, and no degree or amount of health care experience will change that. Navigating the healthcare system can be stressful and remembering that you get final say - that the system is built for you - can help you make the demands you deserve to make.

Narrative Autonomy: The right to decide who has access to your story, your secrets, and your experience, as well as how the story gets told - the words used to describe you and the themes that get emphasized. Society often tries to tell us that our experiences make us bad people or that we should feel guilty about our mistakes. But often those same experiences can be stories of strength, resilience, and learning. When telling a story or explaining your choices it’s important to remember that that’s a choice you get to make. Being intentional about your narrative can be one of the most empowering ways to manage life’s worst stressors and traumas. I’m trained in something called Narrative Therapy, which uses exactly this kind of approach.

Time Autonomy: The right to decide who has access to your time and what your time goes towards. It’s pretty common that our family or partners get comfortable assuming that we, or our time, are available when they need or want it. We can become forgetful about confirming our commitments or lax about taking others for granted. Scheduling issues aside, this can lead to feeling overburdened and underappreciated. It is reasonable to expect people to check with you before making assumptions and to always have the last say about where you’re going to be when. Sometimes this means asking people to always plan things a week or two in advance. Or it means refusing to commit until closer to the event. It’s all about accommodating the different ways people organize their life, so that we can all be successful in that organization.

Identity Autonomy: The right to decide for yourself what your identity is and how it is referred to. When it comes to sexuality, diagnosis, or ethnicity the person who decides what labels fit… is you. And you also get to decide when, or in what spaces, those labels are used. This can get tricky in our time of identity politics. Gatekeeping is a common practice and people are always making up rules about what words get used for what purpose, and what those words exactly mean. Identity autonomy means you get to make those rules for yourself and screw anyone who tries to restrict you. The great thing about identity, and human language, is that the possibilities are literally endless. So there isn’t really a good reason for us to restrict ourselves.

Property Autonomy: The right to decide what happens to your things and who has access to them. This concept can be as simple as having a right to organize your own home and keep your own things. Or as obvious as people not being able to take your wallet or phone. It can be pretty philosophical too. Different people relate to objects in different ways. To one person a book may be nothing more than some paper and ink, and its value only lasts as long as it takes them to read it. To me a good book is an immortal story that has changed something fundamental to who I am. I keep bookshelves in my apartment meticulously cleaned and organized. And I can get upset when I see a book that’s been misused. (Jstor has written a piece on Object Personification that goes into more detail on this topic.) My point is that if I want to make rules about my books that visitors need to follow, then I’m allowed to do that. My things? My autonomy. 

Together, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. 

This isn’t a comprehensive list, and the self is nearly infinite - but, all the same rules apply. That includes when choosing which kind of autonomy is more important when forced to choose between them. Often the only person who has the information needed to make these decisions is you, if anyone else were to do so they’re likely going to make mistakes because they don’t share your history or thoughts or feelings - all of which are crucial to these choices. And they aren’t the person who has to live with the consequences of these decisions. You are. We’re all stuck with ourselves and everything that happens to us. Which means you should always be the one to make the final call.

Responsibility and autonomy.

Autonomy does have a trade off. If we want to be respected and have our autonomy considered, we need to return the favor. It can happen that my circle of autonomy bumps into someone else's - these moments require careful negotiation and don’t always have ideal solutions. Boundaries can get messy and often require sacrifice.

There is another trade off to consider though: when owning our autonomy we are also accepting responsibility for ourselves. When we’ve gotten used to someone else taking care of us (which most of us have at some point) it can be challenging and uncomfortable to assume that role for ourselves. We can sometimes feel helpless and out of control with too much independence. And it can take time to build the skills necessary for taking care of ourselves - or worse - accepting when taking care of ourselves is impossible. Sometimes our autonomy is disrespected, our boundaries crossed, and all we can do is grieve it. Of course you are free to accept help when it is offered, but sometimes help comes with a price or just isn’t available. And that means taking the lead on your own - for better or worse.