Modern Relationships:

Loneliness

I’ve learned the hard way that loneliness isn’t about being alone. I think loneliness is complicated. We feel lonely when we have relationships but can’t be authentic in them. When there are people around but we don’t feel close to them. When we have close relationships but they don’t feel accessible to us. Loneliness comes up when we don’t have the security or genuineness to reap the benefits people can give. Which means, in a way, loneliness isn’t about other people at all - it’s just about us. That’s why we can be surrounded by people and overcome with feelings of isolation. And why we can also be so satisfied with our own presence, all by ourselves. 

And when loneliness gets so strong it starts following us around, and we start thinking we’ll never escape that nostalgic yearning for people - that’s because we’re putting too much energy wishing for something that’s impossible, and not enough energy working for something that’s attainable. The opposite of loneliness isn’t feeling connected to others, though that’s an important part of the big picture. The opposite of loneliness is to do with our relationship with ourselves.

Idealizing Relationships

Usually when I meet clients who suffer from a lot of loneliness, they also spend a lot of time thinking about people they’d like to be in relationships with or the kinds of relationships they’d like to have. They tend to really struggle with pursuing these relationships because of low confidence or self-esteem. That’s perhaps a different problem, but my point here is that without exploring real, grounded relationships we miss our opportunity to learn what they’re really about.

We are exposed to so much messaging and imagery about perfect relationships: attractive people who meet in romantic ways and partnerships that lead to easy, eternal happiness. This never happens in real life. In real life good relationships require a lot of work and sacrifice. This comes more naturally to some of us than others. And all too often we jump into relationships that aren’t good for us in the hopes that company (and an end to loneliness) will be all we need to be happy, letting the details work themselves out. But if we spend our time avoiding close relationships, or healthy relationships, and everything they require, we fail to learn what they are or how they work. And so the cycle continues: low self-esteem leads to loneliness leads to idealization leads to misinformation about relationships leads to low self-esteem.

Being Happy Alone

Given the things we are taught to believe about relationships - how crucial they are to our wholeness and happiness - it’s hard to imagine that a person can be whole and happy alone. Women in particular carry an old-fashioned fear about becoming a spinster and the way people might regard her if she never finds a partner who values her. We ask ourselves - what does it mean about me if no one finds me worthwhile? But we can be happy and whole by ourselves. And our worth isn’t determined by other people’s perception of us - or relationships to us. All the things we get in relationships - intimacy, affection, reassurance, even sex - we can get from ourselves or from relationships that don’t fit the usual romantic, exclusive form. When we consider all the unrealistic standards we place on romantic relationships, it can help open us up to all the opportunities we might be missing elsewhere; That there is never only one path to happiness. 

Today’s dating processes are far from ideal. Apps and websites force us to put ourselves in vulnerable positions with strangers. They teach us to create a virtual version of ourselves that is rarely authentic. They make us prioritize being seen (and liked or matched with) over being connected. They take away opportunities for face-to-face connection and learning. And they make us choose and declare what we/ want too early on in the process. Everything is forced, and so things don’t always have space to develop naturally. With the current dating scene being so problematic a lot of us are being forced to ask ourselves these questions: About what relationships really have to offer; The amount of work good relationships require in a somewhat toxic culture; And what fulfillment can be found outside of those idealized relationships.

Our culture teaches us that we need to always be looking for a relationship - that if we spend too much time enjoying being single we’ve ‘given up’. There’s a lot of shame attached to being alone. But when do we get to stand up and say ‘Actually, dating is exhausting and my time is better spent elsewhere.’ Because we put so much importance on dating (and so much anxiety), we want to have control over it. Apps give us that sense of control. But I’m worried it’s not real. That nothing can guarantee that we’ll find the right person at the right time. Arguably, there’s real wisdom in letting go of the reins (or the phone) and letting the universe have its way. And there’s peace in having acceptance that the right person will come along eventually, that it doesn’t matter how long it’ll take, and we don’t need to control it. 

Transaction and Boundaries

Putting this thinking into practice means leaving relationships that aren’t good for us, and avoiding getting back into them. We don’t like thinking about relationships as transactionary, and it’s true some kinds of transactions are unhealthy - particularly when one party is trading in material goods and the other in emotional (ie. money and time). However, when the transaction is care for care, support for support, that’s how relationships are supposed to work. So I don’t know that it's helpful to avoid conversations about transactions entirely, especially when we’re asking questions about boundaries or energy: We can talk about emotional equality and what we want or need in a relationship and whether we’re getting fair treatment. If it helps, you can think of relationship transactions as evidence that helps us discover whether or not someone else’s prioritization of us is around the same level as our prioritization of them. Whether or not things feel uneven, and why. Transaction is a word, its meaning is less important than how we use it.

Stepping out of a relationship isn’t supposed to be a punishment. But our culture primes us to hear rejection in almost everything said in relationships. Anything that can be spun into a criticism will be, that’s what makes boundary work so difficult to navigate. When I step out of a relationship it’s because of what I need or what I have available. It has nothing to do with what the other person deserves. All too often we assume that a person’s response to us directly reflects our own worth, and this is very rarely the case. Thinking that way turns people into value points - relationships become a measure of self worth. But you, and I, and them, are so much more than that. When we welcome someone into our lives and energy, it’s a gift, it doesn’t need to be earned. And putting a value on it actually decreases its worth. That’s exactly the kind of transaction we need to avoid. By recognizing that a relationship’s impact on us can’t be measured, we open ourselves up to new appreciation for what people offer us. And what they cost us.